Monday, August 23, 2010

Just Say No!

People pleasing should be an official syndrome.

Seriously.



Today, I realized that there is so much out there telling us to give as much of ourselves as we can. While I appreciate and understand that thought, I think there might also be something to learning how and when to say no.

Why is it so difficult for some people? Is it fear of hurting? Being hurt? Both? This is one of my main character's flaws and as usual, the more I try to learn about her, the more I learn about the world around me.



"If you don't learn how to say no, you will realize that sooner or later, you won't have anything left to say no to. The ones who don't respect your right to say no are too small for you. "

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat Pray Love, at a signing.

Do you ever have trouble saying no?

Kim G, from the Real Housewives of New Jersey, is often accused of being a people pleaser.


21 comments:

  1. And there will always be those who don't respect your time and space and will want more, more, more, regardless of how much you do for them. Saying no is necessary for my sanity. I say yes plenty of times, but sometimes it is no, plain and simple.

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  2. In my teens, I had trouble with 'no'. Now, I still dislike confrontation, but 'no' sometimes just rolls off my tongue. I guess it depends on who I say it to.

    Total stranger? Easy. Close friend? Not so much.

    You're right, though. People pleasers are never happy.

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  3. I really used to but not anymore. I think when I got so overwhelmed and learned to not feel guilty--I started saying no. LOL Maybe it is my age too!

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  4. I have trouble saying no! That's something I still need to work on.

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  5. Women tend to have more of a problem saying no. Women are expected to meet everyone's needs, except their own, and they're afraid of what people will think of them if they do decide to take some time for themselves!

    Saying no isn't something I struggle with too much. Rather,
    I tend to say sorry for no reason (another thing women often do that men don't!). My husband pointed it out to me that I apologize for every little thing even when it's not something I should be sorry about. So I'm learning to only say sorry when the situation warrants a true apology!

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  6. I have trouble with the whole no thing too - I'm getting better at it though. Slowly but surely.

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  7. No is such a hard word to say (except to my children). I have a really hard time saying ANYTHING I know the other person doesn't want to hear.

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  8. I have a hard time saying no because I want to seem like I can do everything. The older I get, the better I am at resisting the people-pleaser impulse.

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  9. Oh, totally, people-pleasing is such a common thing! I find that I sometimes struggle to say no just because I don't want to be in the position where it turns into an ugly argument. I also struggle with it because I can be really stubborn, so I always think twice before I say no in case my reasons for saying it aren't very good reasons at all :-)

    But I find that if I feel strongly about something, I WILL say no, whatever might later happen.

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  10. I definitely need to learn from you, Sangu!

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  11. I used to have major problems saying no. Unless I feel strongly about something, I often cave. But I am better now at setting limits--and more importantly--not feeling guilty about it!

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  12. Great reminder. I do have a tough time saying no - but I think it's important that we protect ourselves too.

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  13. A wonderful topic, Saumya! It is always easier to say 'yes' than to say 'no'. It saves - on both sides - time, anguish and angst most times. Maybe that's why we opt for that answer sometimes even when we're hardpressed. But like you mention, it could very well become a habit which then slowly turns into a disease!

    How refreshing that you're taking time off from your left-brained activities and pursuing writing! (Being in the same boat myself, I especially appreciate what it takes and means...)

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  14. Good topic.

    In my long life, I've finally realized I just can't do everything, and can now say no when I need to. It's a great burden off my shoulders!
    Ann

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  15. I say yes to everyone. I'm happy to give and do and try to do my part in this life, to help others in need, to give 100%. What I HATE is when people take advantage of that in others or me and don't give back. I hate 'takers'. It always seems like takers feel entitled, and I find them to be the worst kind of selfish. Once I learn someone is that way, I can say no to them without guilt.

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  16. Amen! Amen, amen, amen! I am constantly having to remind myself of this and not feel guilty when I say no!

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  17. oh, on another note,I wanted to invite you to participate in my blog tour. But I can't find an email address for you! Can you email me at tamara at tamarahartheiner dot com? Thanks!

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  18. Uh it's so hard saying no to people. It makes me happy to see other people happy, but sometimes it can be very wearing. I learned this long ago, then grew some steel balls (boobies) and now I stand up when I feel like I'm being taken for granted. this happens at school a lot surprisingly. Friends always want to see my papers and notes to get ideas or copy stuff down instead of doing it themselves. I tell them "ha, should thought about that before you fell asleep in class" ;)

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  19. always insightful and honest saumya! im pretty comfy saying no. most of the time. it's not something people feel completely comfortable with but we def should! we all have the right to say no and should be respected for doing so.
    always a pleasure missy! :)

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